We are in one horrible recession, granted. And porn is being gutted by the Tubes, granted, part two.

Can we look into a crystal ball and see what’s going to happen to our fine, feathered friends? What is the future of recession-porn? Let’s address the question: should you make it a career choice?

1. Like the airline pilots, actors and actresses are in the process of taking a major pay cut. The guys with caps and wings got a 50 % pay cut: seems like it’s headed that way for porn, too. It’d mean a boy-girl scene is coming in at around $500, instead of an even grand. And a dude, instead of getting his $500 or so, is going to be available for schlong duty at $250.

What does that mean for you, as a rising producer? It means it’s time to start cracking! Your money can go twice as far, so make twice as many! Make that porn. You’ll be keeping bread on the table for people with names like Mr. Pete and Kacey Jordan. But at the same time, you’ll have to figure out how to make money at all with your porn. Because with all these dang Tubes out there - Cliphunter, Pornhub, TeenTube, you name it - I don’t see how or why any rational person would pay money to watch porno. It simply doesn’t make any sense at all. You’re going to have to learn to think outside the box.

Kacey Jordan and Scarlett Pain

2. Basically, making porn isn’t just about being a scumbag anymore. It’s about becoming an abstract thinker. That changes the game. No longer can Larry from Fresno make a giant dent in the game simply because he has a lot of arm and underarm hair, naturally calls women “baby” and “honey” and doesn’t much mind the scent of anal lubricant. No; he’s no longer a big fish in a feces-infested pool. I remember a person named Al Borda who just made the worst porn in the world. He was literally like a taxi driver turned pornographer. He made millions. Now guys like Eric Holder, Michelle Obama, and yeah, Al Greenspan are going to have to step up to the plate and take a whack at porno. Dershowitz would be a pretty good pornographer. So would Ben Bernake. Joe Torre would be an okay pornographer; Joe Girardi might be a better one. The game is changing. Stay with me.

Al Borda: Typical

3. Why isn’t anyone suing the tubes people? Obama was a laywer; let’s put this on his to-do list. Want to right the struggling economy? Hel-lo! Sue the tubes people, Barry. It seems like it’s a pretty easy case: pirated content appears on your site: we want money, because you’re using our content. How hard is that? Seems like instead of becoming a pornographer, you should become a pornographer’s lawyer. So let’s move Dershowitz from pornographer back to lawyer. He wasn’t a good pornographer, anyway. And you need to enroll at Wash Law, if you know what’s good for you.

“No more Tubes. They distract me, anyway.”

4. And Goddamn, does Obama take a little break now and then and watch the Tubes? My God, I see a conflict of interest. How is he going to sue a behemoth he actually succors warmth, comfort, and jizz from? The truth is, he won’t and I shouldn’t expect him to. The really disturbing thing, of course, is how right I am, in imagining that at some point in time, Barack Obama, not to mention Rahm Emmanuel and Paul Wolfowitz and Dick Cheney and even Sandra Day O’Connor are on the interwebs, whacking away. That’s sort of the saving grace of porno: how many people use it. That’s what’s kept me following this bouncing ball for so damn long now: because it’s used. Not because it’s produced (only a few people do that) but because it’s consumed. It’s kind of horrid to think about, actually: you don’t want to imagine the best and the brightest on Pornhub. You just don’t want to. I mean, it’s a great thing to know that Mark Twain never was on Pornhub. The most disgusting onanistic thing he ever did, probably, was look at some French postcards. We’re such a shitty lonely generation. We just are.

He did not have access to the Tubes.

5. Will this thing turn around, for porno? Well, one question is, do we care? I mean, are you worried about the people who comprise the porn industry? Are you sad that a guy is just being paid $250 to have sex with a beautiful woman? I mean, I’m so sexually frustrated, I’m considering paying for it. Not to a hooker or anybody like that; literally, I’m so on edge I might just go up to the girl who’s selling lattes and offer her thirty dollars. See where things go. See, that’s my problem. Even when I’m being profligate, I’m being cheap. Thirty dollars? Now that’s recessionary, dude.

Maybe we’re seeing the end of porno’s crazy prices: $49.99 for a DVD never made sense, anyway. I wouldn’t pay that much to watch the restored Godfather. Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe we’ll shave down the number of smut companies in San Fernando. Maybe the LA-League will just go under, like the USFL, and we’ll have to start all over. Maybe they’ll need a new commissioner. Maybe that man will be me. Maybe that man will be me.