You’re in a bit of a pinch, I won’t lie to you. Since the beginning of time (1971), the porn industry has been ruled by schlongs the size of Carmelo Anthony’s forearm and grapefruit-sized testicles that could be used as speed bags by a young Leon Spinks. But don’t despair, small-cocked-man: there’s always room for one more freak at the circus. If you’re willing to consign yourself to years of hard work and unrelenting dedication, there could be a slot for you, too. Let’s take a look.

Ed Powers. The most famous baby-dicked pornstar of all time, Powers made a name for himself in the late 1980’s as a producer of a series of gonzo-based vignettes, Bus Stop Tales, which featured him as a roving cameraman bent on seducing sweet young things in West LA. He took the charade one step further when he created the now-famous Dirty Debutantes series, where he made a habit of filming rising stars’ first scenes. By plying the actresses with double-portions of his own brand of avuncular schmaltz, the small-balled Jew with a ponytail soon nailed over a thousand beautiful 18-year-olds, reaping untold millions in the process.

The lesson here? If Ed, who no one in the entire universe really wants to watch fuck, can make it in porn, well, so can you - probably. The truth is, Ed’s got a certain magic about him, which maybe you don’t. Don’t start getting all cocky and think you’re Ed Powers, okay? Because that’ll ruin it.

If You Can’t Be Huge, Be Hard. The biggest problem in porn - bigger than kleptomaniacal actresses, scheming agents, Northridge traffic, and fake boobs bursting and leaving an entire crew soaked in tit blood - is soft cocks. A soft cock will turn a normally patient and loving director into a snappish and dysfunctional beast, simply because a soft cock is impossible to work with, and pretty gross to look at. So if you think you might be on the edge of small, go super-hard. And I’m not talking Viagra or Cialis, or any of that sissy shit. I’m talking Caverject. Hell yeah. Get that vial, get that hypo, and inject the base of your dick at 10:00 and 2:00. Ten minutes after you’ve pricked yourself, your penis is on permanent watchman duty and it won’t go down even if you see a cat get fucked by a dog. Even if you watch a small child vomit chunky into a urinal. Literally, you could be watching Clay Aiken put Nair on his arms, and you’ll still keep wood. It’s kind of insane - but then, so is porn. And hey, you wanted this, right?

Just fuck small things. This is pretty simple: just don’t get in over your head. Some well-worn porn vaginas have a habit of “yawning,” much like a tired old man’s toothless gums when he’s long past nap time. Go for what’s petite, or better yet, Asian; then even your little cock may feel like something big.

On that note, have you ever considered moving to Japan? They have a porn industry there, you know, and from what I hear, no one’s bigger than like two inches. Hell, you might do pretty well in Japan. Hitler did.

On that note, how about “bottoming”? Hey, don’t get mad! You said you wanted to work in porn, didn’t you? You never said which porn. All I’m saying is, gay porn pays their guys way more than straight does; and if you’re taking it up the ass, well, not only do you not have to have a big one, but you don’t even need to do anything. Just lie back and take that ram-rod, bro. It might not be the best afternoon of your life, but just picture yourself somewhere safe (that’s what the girls do), and for God’s sake, don’t start thinking this’ll “make you gay.”

I shot gay porn for two freakin’ years (’04-’05), and the only truly gay guy I ever saw was my talent coordinator, who was driven into such fits of horniness by all the straight guys he kept watching fuck one another that he literally started frothing at the mouth and began freebasing cocaine in public. True story; and anyway, I think you should get into gay porn.

Finally: what about a penis enlargement? Let’s look at this rationally for a second. Right now, no, it probably won’t work for you. Too unsafe, and who wants a silica rod implanted in their johnson, anyway? But let’s think future - like, ten years down the road, when your porn desire’s not gone away, and in fact is burning hotter than ever before. I’d love to see you with a seventeen-inch unwieldy reddish-purplish honker that could possibly break at any moment if you fuck too hard. That’ll be so freaky, man! Porn will eat you right up.

And I will be there to watch you soar.